A Fine Mess
by Melty Cat
Summary: & - ARCADE fan series - Blanky is called to investigate a plot to raid Birkin's lab and encounters Turbo and Ionia along the way.


Blanky stood in the middle of the fudge road with Ionia and Turbo and grinned at them. "Wow, I feel like im in some wacky wonderland with you two."

Turbo just made faces at Blanky again as Ionia hiccupped nervously. She wasn't sure how Blanky would react to seeing Sugar Rush and if she was suspecting anything from her and Turbo. Thankfully, she was too busy looking at Turbo.

"What's up with you? Why the faces?"

"I'm angry at everyone!"

"But, why?"

Turbo frowned darkly. "Becauthe everyone ith mean to me when I'm the greatetht rather ever!"

"Oh? Who are these meanies?" Blanky, being a police officer, felt it was her duty to take care of any trouble regardless of the source. "You can tell me."

Turbo waved his arms. "EVERYONE!" His face dropped as he slumped his shoulders. Ionia decided, for no reason whatsoever, that it was the ideal situation to begin butt dancing right near Turbo's face, to which he responded by flapping his hands at her.

Blanky smiled. "But not us! Anyway, whoever is mean is just jealous of you, don't forget!"

"Well, who WOULDN'T be? I'm the greatetht rather ever!" He was interrupted by Ionia butt dancing right next to him again. "WILL YOU THTOP THAT!"

"Exactly. But sometimes jealous people are mean... like wasn't Felix mean?"

Turbo folded his arms and kicked at a nut that was by his feet. "Hmph, everyone thought I wath going to take over their gameth or thomething."

"Ahh, dont pay those paranoid idiots any heed!

"All becauthe of thome PREVIOUTH me."

Blanky cocked an eyebrow. "Wait... Previous you?"

"Apparently," explained Turbo, "there wath a Turbo Time game in before mine. The me in that went nutth and took over this game, Sugar Ruth, or thomething. Tho when I came along everyone wath thuthpiciouth."

Blanky was silent as he spoke and watched as Ionia stopped dancing around and silently plopped herself down next to Turbo allowing him to lean against her leg armour.

"Strange. So they're upset with you for that?"

Turbo nodded sadly, to which Ionia responded by patting him on the helmet. He flailed his arms wildly at her. "You are THO ANNOYING!"

"Well," chuckled Blanky, "They are wrong, youve done nothing!"

"I know that. They don't th... AGH!" His sentence was cut short as Ionia picked him up and cradled him like a baby, all in an attempt to get him more riled up than what he was. He was always so tightly wound and Ionia found it irresistible. "PUT ME DOWN!"

Ionia just ignored him and began to pet him like a cat in a bad guy's lap. She looked up at Blanky as she did it, grinned and put on a deep voice. "Blanky I've been expecting you."

Turbo rolled his eyes. "Idiot!"

Blanky laughed and shook her head as she watched the pair. Turbo's unimpressed scowl, however, was short lived as Ionia petted him more softly and he began to get more comfortable. "Hmnph. A little lower."

Ionia glanced down at him, but didn't say anything and did as he asked. She petted him on his back lower and flushed pink as he virtually melted in her arms. She felt his body shudder as he let out a contented sigh. "Thaaaat'th the thpot!"

Blanky averted her eyes, worried that it was beginning to become a little more than just innocent petting. "Oh my." She glanced back to see Ionia smiling in triumph over the fact that she had got him to show some form of affection in public in front of someone. Blanky gave her the thumbs up and started to think back to Birkin. She knew she'd be seeing him later, but she suddenly felt lonely.

Ionia chirped happily as Turbo mumbled incoherently in her arms, dribbling down her hands. "I knew he'd crack one daaaay~"

"Well," laughed Blanky, "I dont think you need me as a chaperone any longer."

Ionia tilted her head, ignoring the fact that Turbo was now drooling all down her arms. "What's a chapanapaerama?"

"Uh. A chaperone? You know, kind of like an escort."

"Oh. I needed one?"

"No, but I felt a bit like one to you two, but I see its not necessary." She holstered her gun and gave Ionia a wave as Turbo's drool finally reached Ionia's legs and dripped onto the road below.

Birkin happened to be walking nearby and was approaching Ionia and Turbo. He waved at them and noticed Blanky further down the road. He yelled out to her, but as he put his foot down he slipped on the pool of dribble that had formed in front of Ionia and went skidding down the road towards Blanky. "ACK!"

Blanky let out a surprised squeal as Birkin came bombing towards her and collided shoulder first. Birkin, in a heap on the floor, groaned. "Oooouch."

The squeal snapped Turbo out of his euphoria almost instantly and he shot up from in Ionia's arms to see what was going on. "Hm? What!? I heard a thqueal and I didn't cauthe it, what'th going on!?"

Blanky yelled that it was nothing and apologized for disturbing them both. Turbo didn't like that and just gave her a dark look as Blanky returned her attention to Birkin who groaned loudly. "Are you OK?"

"Ugh. Yeah. Just a bit of road rash. What the heck was that I slipped in?"

"Er...you dont wanna know, trust me."

"Why? Is it harmful? Besides making me skid and hurt myself, that is."

Suddenly, they were interrupted by a loud, almost girly squeal from Ionia and Turbo's direction and watched as Turbo finally noticed that he was in her arms being petted. In public. He flailed around, leaped out and landed on his butt on the road. "UGH! YUCK!"

Blanky couldn't help but laugh. The racer's attempts at making it seem as if nothing was going on was incredibly entertaining to watch. She looked back at Birkin and pulled a sheepish face. "No, it's not harmful. But, we interrupted something." Her face flushed red as she nodded in the direction of Ionia and Turbo. Birkin raised a brow.

"You still haven't said what the stuff is." He was always wary of substances that weren't identifiable and he needed to know for his own peace of mind.

"Body fluids!" Blanky whispered as quietly as she could and watched as Birkin's face did flip flops trying to understand what she had just said. He looked down at his feet, back up to Blanky, over to Ionia and Turbo and back down to his feet again. "Wait..." His eyes widened in shock. "What the..."

Blanky just nodded and flushed even redder as Birkin cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled at the two across the way. "THAT IS DISGUSTING! YOU ARE IN PUBLIC!" Ionia just waved at him and mouthed a 'hello' as if nothing was even happening and Turbo gave him a look as if he was about to staple things to his head should he ever tell anyone about what had just happened.

"No no no!" Blanky patted him on his arm to make him stop yelling. "It's dribble, yeah, thats what it is!"

"Just dribble? I hope that's all it is."

"So, anyway." Blanky felt it would be wise of her to change the subject. "I'm back in town, this time its not for pleasure, but duty."

Turbo cracked a smirk and snorted loudly. "Hehehe doody." This caused Ionia to laugh raucously sending a flock of licorice ravens fleeing in terror. "OH MY GODS HAHAHA!"

Blanky just ignored the two and scrunched up her nose. "I was sent to protect someone, namely you, Birkin."

Blanky was interrupted again by Turbo and Ionia who insisted on continuing their joke. "The'th here for doody."

"I hope she remembers to wash her hands."

"Hey, Ionia. Hehehe. I thmell thomething."

"What?"

"DOODY!"

The pair fell about on the ground laughing like lunatics as Blanky and Birkin stared at them with unimpressed faces.

"So, why me?" Birkin finally spoke taking the attention off the two jokers.

"Well, you may not be aware Birkin, but you are being targeted. Your lab, to be exact. Seems some illegal organisation is after your herbs."

"...They are? How did they even find out!?" He scratched at his chin.

"No idea," Blanky shrugged and gave him a sympathetic look. "Spies I guess."

"I don't understand." Birkin zoned out as he lost himself in thought. He pondered and pondered over just who could be behind such an attack on his lab and research data. The only people he knew who might even have a single clue about what was going on was... "It couldn't be... could it?"

"What is it?" Blanky flinched a little over the severe look on Birkin's face.

"I think I may know who it is and if I'm right, it's gonna cause problems."

Blanky instantly knew who he meant and heaved a sigh. "Wesker. That backstabbing snake, I knew I could not trust him. My instincts were right."

Turbo shot upright and looked at them both with curiosity. "Wethker?"

He was ignored as the officer continued her musings. "Though what he wants with your herbs is still unknown. I was sent to investigate and protect you and the lab."

"Oh, I think I know." Birkin was suddenly cut off by Turbo who yelled and jumped up and down for their attention. "THCUTHE ME! Who ith thith Wethker?"He hated being ignored.

"Someone he used to work with. Seems like he is out to get him though, even so."

Turbo scratched at his chin and shook his head. "Thoundth like me and the twinth."

Ionia's eyes instantly shot open and she sat bolt upright. "T-T-Twins?"

Blanky looked over to the racer and tilted her head. "You have a twin?"

"No thilly, they were my track rivalth. My brotherth really. They were jutht called the Turbo Twinth. No nameth though."

Ionia let out a squeal of delight at the thought of Turbo having two twin bothers. She fanned herself in an attempt to calm down, but realized something. She shot Turbo a confused look. "How come I've never met them?"

"Becauthe!"

"Because, what?"

"Becauthe I don't want them to meet you." He gave her his best serious face and stomped a foot on the ground. "They will jutht try to embarrath me and thtuff! They are not nithe people!"

Blanky had turned her attention back to Birkin and was trying to figure out for herself what it was that Wesker would want with his herbs.

"I can only assume at this point he needs them for his own research." Sighed Birkin as he leaned against a candy cane tree.

"Oh boy... I knew he couldnt be trusted, but targeting you and your lab is just too much."

"No. Well, for me it's not really news. He's just that type of person."

Turbo grinned over at Birkin and wrung his hands together. "Thoundth like my kinda guy!"

Blanky couldn't believe what was happening. Why Wesker? Why couldn't it have been someone else? Someone who was not involved with her friends. "So I see. A backstabber!"

Birkin chuckled. "It's how we got the lab in the first place. I should have expected it sooner now that I think about it." He knew who Wesker was as much as Wesker knew who he was deep down. It was sport for them and he was now ready for the contest that was seemingly being laid at his feet.

"Oh well, the important thing is im here now. I will get to the bottom of this." Blanky adjusted her holster and smiled brightly.

Turbo was thoroughly entertained. He laughed loudly and exclaimed how he liked Wesker's style, only to be hushed by a very angry Blanky. "OoooOOoooooOOooo. Thomeone get the pink handbagth! Touchy!" He pouted at her and put his hands on his hips. "Mith touchy pantth!"

Refusing to take his bait, Blanky just turned back to Birkin and patted his shoulder. Turbo was not impressed about being ignored yet again and stuck out his tongue defiantly, only to be scooped up by Ionia.

"I wonder if Axel is aware," mused Birkin. It was true, he hadn't thought about Axel until then. He had no reason to think she would be involved, but with Wesker's manipulative side, anything was possible.

"I don't know. Hopefully she'll be safe. What a predicament huh?"

"Hmmm. My bet is that she doesn't."

Turbo peered out from a gap in Ionia's arms. "Whoth Axthel?"

"She's my friend. Which makes this all the more awkward" Blanky played with her brown hair awkwardly. Such a situation had never come up before and it felt like alien territory. Regardless, she felt that she had to go on with it, it was her mission after all and, being the good cop that she was, she was not about to flake out. "Oh, Birkin? One more thing," she leaned over and whispered in his ear. "I'll be mostly undercover, so. You know. Shh."

He nodded slowly and turned to look at Turbo who had taken to laying over Ionia's forearms with his head resting on his palms. "Quite the meth you have on your handth," he chirped.

Ionia peered down at him. "Meth? We aren't druggies!"

"Meth. METH!"

"OH! MESS! Gotcha."

"Meth..." Blanky giggled. She found his lisp to be entertaining even in a bad situation.

"Whatever ith going on it thoundth like you could uthe all the help you can get." Turbo flashed a big, toothy grin at them. "Which ith why," he got to his feet and stood on Ionia's armour, "I Turbo... The gretetht rather ever... Will..." He paused for dramatic effect. He loved theatrics. "Not be helping you." He cackled evily and slumped back down into Ionia's arms.

Blanky rolled her eyes and smiled sarcastically. "We wont be needing your help anyway. This is no business for kids, you know. This is serious!"

The racer's face dropped into a morbidly unimpressed expression as he shot to his feet again. "Do I look like a kid to you?"

"No, but you sure do act like one! Anyway, you'd only get in the way and maybe even drum up trouble for yourself and the others in your game."

Turbo's face flushed a bright red as he tried to restrain the anger that was seering through his veins. "Hgnnn! I'll have you know that I am a geniuth!"

"Look, it's for your own good. Seriously."

Birkin tapped Blanky on the arm and gave her a sly smile. "Why not let him help? He may get erased and be out of our hair."

"Say," laughed Blanky, "That's not a bad..." She was interupted by Turbo who raged loudly and stomped his feet. "I HEARD THAT!"

Ionia's eyes widened and she snatched Turbo up, holding him close to her defensively. "He goes, I go!"

Turbo looked up at her with a brow raised wondering what the hell she was doing. "What the..." Her face was dead pan and serious, which was not like her at all.

"Well," sighed Blanky, "You're welcome to! But, don't say I didn't warn you. Try to stay out of trouble and don't get in my way, OK?"

Ionia flinched and held Turbo tighter. "I don't want him to get erased!"

"THTOP IT ALREADY!" Turbo was getting snuggled so much that his body was beginning to produce static.

"Of course you don't Ionia, fair enough. We wouldn't want either of you to come to trouble. It can get quite dangerous."

"That's what I'm made for." Ionia raised a hand. "I do dangerouth... Er... Ahem. Dangerous stuff every day in my game. I'm heavily armoured. And I do stuff like protecting and fighting every day. That's what my game is about. I protect villages. But..." She looked down at Turbo and poked his nose with a finger. "He's so squishy and fragile and..."

"I am not! I'M TURBO!"

Blanky couldn't help but grin. "Which is why you'd do best to stay out of the the way, Turbo. I'll be monitiring the lab closely. And I won't stay in a hotel, but in my vehicle outside the lab." She looked at Ionia and wrinkled her nose in thought. "Well if youre sure you can do it and not come to harm, I'd appreciate the help. Thanks."

Ionia nodded, then had an idea and waved at Blanky enthusiastically. "I know! Turbo can get you guys coffee!"

He did not like that idea at all. "No. No, no, no. I am NOT a waitreth!"

Blanky grinned widely. "What about if I paid you, huh? And you too, Ionia."

Turbo instantly stopped his angry flailing as soon as payment was mentioned and smiled over at Blanky with his big, yellow teeth. "I'm lithening..."

Ionia just shook her head. "I don't need payment, thanks."

"I do, though. Tho make a dethent offer."

Blanky waved a hand and rolled her eyes. "Sure, we'll discuss it, dude. But right now we need to get to the lab."

Birkin handed Blanky a key card and glanced at his watch. "The lab is pretty much empty at the moment. Just my security systems up."

Blanky took the card and nodded. "It may be an idea to bug the place and install more cameras."

Turbo's eyes lit up. "I could do that! I'm good at mechanical thtuff."

"He really is." Ionia grinned and turned pink. Her sudden outburst caused Turbo to look up at her in shock, his own face flushing over her suggestive comment.

Blanky didn't notice, much to his relief, and continued to discuss the lab. "What, bugging? Great! There. You have your job! Thanks you two, I appreciate it. I really do.

"What are we talking? Thecret locationth like ventth and thtuff, or full thcale bugging?"

Ionia thought for a moment and looked at Blanky. "I'd coat the place in them."

"As long as they aren't obvious you can put them where you want, Turbo." Birkin threw him a key card and pointed at him as a warning. "If I find out you have touched a single console, experiment, specimen, or chemical I will use you as my next expermient, understand?"

"PLEATHE! I'm Turbo! Trutht me!"

"Well, this is all great, but now I'd say we all get a bite to eat and then get some rest. It's taken me all day to get here."

Turbo's eyes lit up again as he realized that Blanky had her cop car on the road. "Whothe driving?"

"Me." Blanky gave him a stern look and walked over to her car, opened the door and gestrured for him to get in. "Get in."

Turbo, with a face like thunder, stomped his way over, scuffed a foot against the road and plonked himself in the back seat as heavily as he could. He gave her a quick grimace before he shuffled over. "Thpoil thport."

Blanky smiled in triumph and looked to Ionia who was giving the door of the car odd looks. "Um. Ummm. I don't think my wings... " She attempted to get in, but caught her wings as she ducked down. "NNNGHH OUCH!"

Turbo leaned over, took hold of her arms and attempted to help her get in by pulling as hard as he could.

Blanky just rolled her eyes impatiently. "Is it possible to take the wings off?"

"Yeth it ith. I have d..." Turbo stopped himself mid-sentence. "N-N-Nevermind."

Birkin grinned through the window at the racer whose face had flushed red again. "What was that?"

"Nothing."

Ionia whistled innocently and removed the wings and boosters from her back. She squatted down into the car and held them in place in front of her, unfortunately blocking the view to the rear for Blanky in the process. But nothing could be done about that. She glanced over at Turbo and smiled as he looked back at her. He realized what her smile meant. They, with the wings blocking the view, finally had some privacy to act normal around each other, at least until they were out of the car again. He slowly reached his hand over and took hold of hers. Ionia rubbed her thumb against his fingers and leaned her head back, staring into his eyes as Blanky started the car.

"Everyone alright back there?"

Ionia chuckled. "Turbo-tastic."


End file.
